If you have ever dealt with Microsoft's SQL Server in any capacity you have probably noticed a strange problem: You can never have enough memory!

As Ed Jones points out the communication between your operating system and SQL Server goes a little something like this:

Windows Server:  Hey, SQL Server, how much memory do you need?
SQL Server:  How much have you got?

A bit funny and totally true!

Thanks to Ed: http://brntpb.st/J4FbgC

Yet again another funny professor has posted some humor over the various roles in an IT Shop… enjoy:

1. Programmer: This person holds the lowest rank in the field.  Manages no one. Answers to everyone.  Approximately 50% of the Programmer's time is scheduled for testing.  Another 50% is spent filling out time cards and progress reports.  Any time left over is spent attending classes on technologies that will never be used in the shop. The Programmer is appraised on code quality and reliability. Never has time to write any. Hopes to, someday, be promoted to Systems Analyst.
2. Systems Analyst: The Systems Analyst refuses to code anymore. Designs new systems. Writes specs for new systems.  Devises procedures and work flows for new systems but ends up training users on how to get by with the old ones.  Next in line for Team Leader position.
3. Team Leader: A Team Leader manages one project.  Doesn't know why he's not called Project Leader;  that's what he has on his resume.
4. Project Leader: Manages several projects at once.  Analyzes Gantt charts from the Team Leaders' projects.  Coordinates schedules from the Team Leaders' projects.  Monitors deliverables from the Team Leaders' projects. Has absolutely no idea what any of the Team Leaders' projects are about. Wants to be a programmer again.
5. Operator: The Operator wields powers that the Project Leader can only dream about.  Makes Programmers beg for tape drives.  Makes Analysts beg for disk space.  Makes Team Leaders beg for printouts.  Has an uncanny understanding of career potential in the data processing industry. Going to law school at night.
6. Senior Engineer: been around so long that you are one of the few people who designed the cooling systems for IBMs first mainframes.  Has had to try and keep up with emerging technologies that they are teaching kids in elementary school these days.  Has all the responsibility and no authority.  Has to beg for money for IT projects with large architectural documents and business cases only to get told when the year budget comes up that they need to justify why they needed the money that was agreed to in the first place.  Responsible for Keeping 1-10 happy and designing the magic pixy dust solution.
7. Systems Programmer: Even an Operator wants to be a Systems Programmer.  A Systems Programmer has the authority to wipe out disk packs without warning. Crash the system during user demos.  Make new releases appear, then disappear, then reappear again, especially during month-end processing.
8. DBA: No one really knows what the Database Administrator does, and no one is smart enough to know if the DBA is doing it or not. But every shop must have one DBA, because no place can afford two of them.
9. Manager: The Manager is sometimes called a Director.  Or an Assistant Vice-President.  Or an Account Manager.  Has completely lost  touch with any facsimile of technology.  Wants to finish next year's budget. Wants to finish last year's appraisals.  Wants to learn the names of some of the Programmers.  But instead, only has time to interview job applicants, especially DBAs. 
10. Design architect: A programmer that does not fit the role as a manager, but has the most knowledge of the product.  Typically takes long vacations or sabbaticals and is always given credit for the entire product.  In reality only fixes or solves a single issue.
11. Department Secretary: The Programmers have word processing.  The Managers have electronic mail.  Everyone has automatic phone messaging. This leaves the Department Secretary with all kinds of time to manipulate, control and dispense the three most basic employee needs:  paychecks, rumors, and supplies.  Can make a copier self-destruct just by going to lunch.
12. Contract Programmer: A Contract Programmer doesn't have to wear a nice suit.  Or go to meetings.  Or fill out time cards.  Or keep complaints to himself.  He can make all the mistakes he wants.  He doesn't get benefits.  He doesn't get training.  He doesn't get respect. But after years in the trenches, the Contract Programmer will finally achieve the ultimate goal in the profession. He will be able to make impossible deadlines with inadequate resources for desperate managers by putting in all kinds of extra hours... and will be paid overtime for every one of them.

-Brent

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is priority. I am psychic.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to managers' hell.
12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.